There is an image in the book Bliss Brain by Dawson Church, which shows two neurons forming a connection, and it takes about 12 seconds to complete that connection.

Let’s briefly look at how the brain works before I get into the significance of this. Your brain forms neural connections constantly. It either forms new ones (like, for example, if you try something new) or strengthens old ones (like when you repeat something). And, if you don’t use a connection, it can weaken.

That image shows it takes about 12 seconds to create a literal, physical change in your brain.

Now, first think of all the 12-second intervals you spent in your life that created the current neuronal connections that don’t serve you well.

12 seconds of complaining.

12 seconds of fear.

12 seconds of doubting yourself.

12 seconds of caring too much what others think.

12 seconds of scrolling mindlessly online.

Now multiply that by the hundreds, even thousands, of times you have done those things. Now you can see exactly how habitual behaviors and emotions have firmly established themselves in your brain, and why it is you do what you do most of the time.

But, here is the good news. Now think of all the new connections you can start to make, that only take 12 seconds.

Expressing gratitude.

Standing up for yourself.

Starting a project.

Showing love to someone.

Trying a new, healthy food.

Believing in yourself.

You can literally, in 12 seconds, start a connection that will change your life, today.

You want to see brain wiring at work? Try this exercise.

You’ll probably notice that even holding the thought below for 12 seconds without automatic thoughts of doubt, negativity, and skepticism is nearly impossible at first (thanks to your current wiring!).

But, try it anyway and don’t stop until you get 12 seconds of full-on new thinking!

Right now, ponder for 12 seconds the idea that anything is possible in your life. Hold that feeling of absolute possibility clearly for 12 seconds.

You may have literally just started a microscopic connection today in your brain that in a few months or years will turn into a new business, your first book, your toned body, or whatever it is you want, as long as you keep those connections building! That’s kind of cool.

This originally was posted in Your Health Is In Your Head, which is a Facebook we run related to health, so if you haven’t joined, please consider yourself invited! I’d love to have you in the group.

Today I was thinking about a concept that I have used with many clients and with myself. It is the concept that “you are what you pay attention to.”

It’s a helpful tool to not only look at your current self, but also understand how you are “showing up” in life. I promise you that what you pay attention to on a regular basis is directly impacting how your life unfolds, far more than any self-professed view of yourself you might have.

It also is the most accurate starting point for any change.

As we get older, it is almost as if we choose to pay attention to things that bring us down, and often the reasoning is “we have no choice.” We have no “choice” but to pay attention to dramatic people, toxic co-workers, bodily aches and pains, all the bad things happening in the news, and so forth.

Ok, yes this is true enough (just “enough”). Some things you have to pay attention to. But the problem comes in the way that we pay attention to these events, and how we direct our attention after they happen.

So, your co-worker is a jerk and you get “that text” from them. You may be enjoying a nice cup of coffee, but you snap into action to reply immediately.

Then, long after it’s over, you are still paying attention to it, venting on social media about it, and to your friends. One text may literally take your attention for the rest of the day! Heck, some people hold grudges from minor events that fill their attention for lifetimes!

Another example is aches and pains. They are real. They happen. But, when the pain has largely subsided and you’re enjoying something else, the second a friend calls, you talk about the aches and pains, maybe to the point where if someone were to observe what you pay attention to, they would say your identity is “a person in pain,” because you pay way more attention to that than your self-professed hobbies or passions.

But, there really are many other things out there to pay attention to, aren’t there?: coffee, sunsets, laughter, friends, family, flirting, great food, good books, hobbies, and much more.

Imagine if instead of venting to your friends about work, you instead “vented” about how amazing that cup of coffee was. Or how beautiful that sunset was. Or how perfect that new hobby is.

I know what the objections will be. That good stuff is minor! You have to dwell in reality, and reality sucks and it’s coming at you all day! Well, ok, but why is an event in the news that doesn’t really directly impact you, a text that you read for 5 seconds, or a dull pain, any more “reality” than the delicious meal in front of you, the friendship you appreciate, or the 5 minutes you spent laughing hysterically earlier at that dog video on youtube?

As you start paying more and more attention to what enlivens you, maybe in a few months, your friends will start to think of you as the friend who is always talking about the newest fun thing you are doing instead of the friend who hates their job. You’ll start to become the person you want to be.

And, my experience is that the more we pay attention to the things that enliven us, this is when changes happen that pull us away from the things that we vent about, which bring us down. You’ll suddenly find they weren’t as “real” as you thought, and your body will become less stressed.

Have a great day! Pay attention to something amazing for me!

Sometimes, you start out to make a positive change, and then despite all your good intentions, in a few days or weeks, you’re back to “normal” again, which may not be where you want to be.

So here is why this is happening, and you can blame your brain. Or, you can look at it positively, and know that your brain is actually capable of changing.

Your brain is a physical network of neurons, and they make electrical connections. The more often you repeat a thought or behavior, the wiring strengthens, and the energy required to send electrical impulses is reduced. The brain likes this because it reduces the mental and physical energy required to work.

So, imagine the brain connection for habits like a wide and paved highway. You can go fast and move easily. The brain doesn’t need to spend much energy on it, and you probably just do it without much deliberation.

When you learn something new or try to change your habits, the brain wiring for this isn’t there yet, or it may be very weak if it is. So instead of your brain wiring being like a wide-open highway, your brain has to put a lot of energy to make the change.

So instead of being like a giant highway, starting a new habit is like having to clear a dirt path beside the highway. It is challenging and requires energy. Your brain wants to go back onto that nice, wide highway that it is familiar with, and will do its best to sabotage your efforts to build that new path.

It’s why even though you SAY you want to start eating better when you walk into Starbucks you just can’t resist getting the sugary drink you said a few hours ago you wouldn’t touch again.

But, here is the good news. The adult brain is “neuroplastic,” which means it can make changes. For a long time, researchers didn’t think the adult brain could rewire, so you were basically stuck with potentially unhelpful wiring.

So, the more you use the new path, the wider and clearer it becomes. And, the less you use that old highway, the more overgrown and crumbled it becomes.

Eventually, that shiny highway turns into an old, overgrown path you can barely see, while the new path that used to be a dirt road is turning into a highway!  But it will require some emotional and mental intention and practice to make this happen, or taking some mental shortcuts when they are available, which we try to help you learn on this site and through our coaching and hypnosis and EFT work.

The world seems to be falling apart. Coronavirus, lockdowns, police brutality, protesting, looting, destruction, mental health issues, and not to mention the outrage-machine that is social media fueling constant division often based on half-truths and anxiety.

Every time I see the cycle of outrage and violence (from all sides), I think back to a principle I studied back in 2010 called Non-Violent Communication. What amazed me about this method was that it was simple, effective, and non-partisan.

Put simply, NVC is a way of communicating that fosters empathy, to get your needs met, and to help others get theirs met as well, without resorting to physical or emotional aggression.

It was developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, who successfully used it to reconcile people and groups that absolutely hated each other (at least they thought they did. Obviously I can’t go into major detail about it here, and I suggest you check out some of Rosenberg’s books for more information and examples.

Maybe I’m just naive, but I don’t believe the world needs more anger, hate, violence, and outrage right now (trust me there is PLENTY of those to go around). I believe the world needs more compassion, communication, and understanding, which seem in short supply.

I believe that communicating in the four ways below will be very helpful right now, and any time.

1. Observe, Don’t Judge

“You’re a loser.” “You’re a thug.” “You’re a racist.” Notice that these phrases are judgments. Now, while they may be true to a degree, think about how you respond when you are judged. Do you listen? Do you see the person’s point?

No! When you are judged you get defensive. When you get defensive you defend yourself. The irony of judging someone is that you force them to come up with defenses for their bad behavior. So, by telling someone they are “stupid” for, let’s say drinking and driving, they are just going to defend their actions more, which just reinforces the very thing you want them not to do!

This is why Rosenberg suggests observing instead.

For example “you drank and drive” is an observation. “You’re a stupid drunk” is a judgement.

Below are some examples of observations:

“You came home late.” “You said you would do something, but didn’t follow through.” “The report was due by noon and I didn’t get it.”

Notice how more objective and calm these statements sound. You are just stating the facts rather than judging.

2. Expressing Feelings

The next component is to express your feelings. Many English speakers say “I feel” to mean “I think,” so this can be tricky. This isn’t “I feel like you’re being unfair.” This is “I feel…” followed by an actual feeling.

Sometimes it is hard to get in touch with our emotions, but if you pay attention you can know what you are feeling (or guess what others are feeling). In this way, NVC can be used to make requests (“I feel…”) or to connect with others (“It seems to me you might be feeling…”).

I feel…sad, angry, frustrated, lonely, exhausted, hurt, jealous, etc. In a positive sense, you can feel things like happy, joyful, content, excited, etc. If you are struggling to identify emotions, this is a helpful list.

So, to combine steps 1 and 2, here are some examples:

“I am sad that you chose to drink and drive after telling me you would not do that again.”

“I am frustrated that there are so few jobs and opportunities in this neighborhood”

“I am happy that you decided to visit me today.”

3. Identifying and Requesting Needs

Generally, negative emotions result from a need that isn’t being met. These emotions become more and more intense the more we don’t get the need met. Have you ever tried to push a basketball underwater? It wants to come up! If you push it down extra hard and try to keep it there, eventually it will explosively fly up out of the water. This is what happens when we “push down” emotions associated with needs for too long.

So, just like the basketball that is ready to shoot into the air, if you have pushed down your need for intimacy, connection, freedom, etc, for so long without expressing it in a healthy way, eventually these emotions will develop into such an intensity that will turn into emotional and physical aggression.

So, NVC is about identifying and expressing your needs honestly and empathetically. In many cases, your need (and the need of whomever you are talking to) might just be to be heard. Truthfully, NVC is so effective not because it necessarily allows you to get a need met directly (often it won’t), but mainly because most people, including you, just want to be heard!

Keep in mind that “needs” here don’t mean actual things or items. The “needs” refer to concepts, like support, freedom, love, hope, respect, stability, security, etc. Here is a good list if you need ideas. This can be a challenging part of NVC because we often think of “needs” as physical items (like money) versus the greater conceptual need behind that (like stability, security, and freedom).

So, let’s combine 1, 2, and 3.

“I’m sad because you said you would come to my graduation, and you didn’t, and I really wanted your support.” (Compare to “you’re the shittiest mom on the planet!”)

“Are you frustrated because there are few jobs in this city and you want to feel like you have the same opportunities that others have?” (compare to “you’re a worthless thug”)

“Are you angry because you haven’t had a date in a year and you have a need for a romantic connection?” (Compare this to ” why are you a complete incel?”)

4. Make Or Ask For A Request

After you have expressed your feelings and needs based on factual observation, you can make a request, or attempt to determine what you can do to help meet another’s need.

Keep in mind, this is no guarantee you will get your request or that the other person will agree with what you suspect they would like from you.

Nonetheless, NVC encourages assertive communication, and allows everyone to be heard in a non-violent way, which regardless of the outcome, is what is important.

So below are examples of every step combined. In some cases, simply asking what they need can be helpful. They may say something concrete or just to be heard.

“I’m sad because you said you would come to my graduation, and you didn’t, and I really wanted your support. I would really like it if you be able to come to my graduation party.”

“Are you frustrated because there are few jobs in this city and you want to feel like you have the same opportunities that others have? What do you need from me?

Are you angry because you haven’t had a date in a year and you have a need for a romantic connection? Do you need someone to talk to or want some help meeting someone?

As you read through this article, I really hope you can see how NVC really changes the level of discourse. NVC is not about deflecting or appeasement, but about having real, change-making dialogue.

I reached peak coronavirus anxiety on the day before St. Patrick’s Day. A lot was happening since I live in Ohio, and our governor has been very proactive. However, it meant that schools closed, followed by bars and restaurants, and finally, gyms.

So, most of the things I did for fun and to keep me grounded were suddenly closed. And, a lot of my friends and family were suddenly unemployed. And, as a leader at a non-profit, we were forced to make hard decisions just to keep doors open.

By Monday night, it was all too much. I realized that over the five or so days prior, my brain was going back to the coronavirus. I had run every worst-case scenario in my head, to the point where I was either dead or homeless.

I also started thinking to myself that now wasn’t the time to do anything related to business or coaching. It just seemed like the wrong time to do anything that wasn’t simply surviving. Now, I thought, was the time to hunker down and just get by.

It was then, when I was having a discussion with someone very close to me, that we both expressed our fears about this. And we realized that most of this fear was “in our heads.” The actual present reality was challenging, but nowhere near the level in our heads.

It hit me that the coronavirus pandemic was just another excuse for me to not do the next right things in life. Yes, it is a very real and legitimate excuse, but I realized that the best time to do what is right, to be loving, courageous, grateful, and share what I have with others is all the time.

There is never a time that I want to “take a break” from being my best self and slip into simply “getting by.” In fact, it’s this mentality that leads to hoarding toilet paper and other selfish, low-energy behavior.

In fact, I have literally spent the last year studying fear and uncertainty and understanding the importance of uncertainty and obstacles in creating a great life. My friends and I have studied Stoicism through Ryan Holiday’s The Obstacle Is the Way. And, we have taken the words and teaching of the late Susan Jeffers to heart and integrated them into our coaching programs. Her books Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway and Embracing Uncertainty shaped me immensely.

I realized it’s game time. What I have studied, embraced, and integrated into my coaching and personal work was needed more right now, not needed less.

Whatever it is you have to give…now is the time to give your best abundantly and fearlessly.

Whatever it is we have to give, whether it’s a technical talent that might save lives (like people who are sharing data on how to make ventilators), or comedic entertainment for those bummed out, now is the time to give your best abundantly and fearlessly.

And, now is also the time to not expect anything in return, at least not right away. There are many lessons in the midst of this, and one of them is giving in a detached way, which is to say giving simply to give.

Many people may not be able to pay you right now, and they may even take a “survival mode” mentality and ignore what you have to offer, but that’s okay. Give to give.

What does all this mean for you? It may mean continuing to hang with friends, even if it is “virtually.” Share with neighbors. If you’re single and looking for a great relationship, give online dating a chance (even if it’s to meet friends). Be friendlier at the grocery store. If you’re an artist, paint. If you’re a singer, sing. If your grandma is isolated, call her. If you’re out of work, start the business or write that book you said you’d do if you just “had time.”

Stay healthy and safe friends.

A few years ago, when someone suggested my life needed some serious disruption, I didn’t like the word “disruption.” I was reading a lot about getting my life in order, and the word “disruption” seemed to imply chaos, rebellion, and negative uncertainty to me.

However, the more I thought about it, disruption is, neutrally speaking, a major change. By definition, this includes positive things like becoming wealthy or getting an amazing new partner.

So, within a few months of being scared of the term, I made a complete 180, and I was seeking disruption. Let me explain why. Before I explain why I decided to embrace it, let me provide an illustration.

My parents bought a very old house in 1988. It was all we could afford at that moment. It was neglected beyond belief. The siding and shutters were falling apart. The porch was painted a bright green and it was chipping a lot. The house smelled like cigarette smoke. Many of the original fireplaces and hardwood floors were covered with gaudy mantles and cheap linoleum.

In order for that house to be livable it had to be gutted and completely renovated, i.e. disrupted. My grandpa was a carpenter, and we spent hours and hours making the place beautiful.

We spent hours stripping wallpaper in every room. In most rooms, there were seven layers of tacky wallpapers. My grandpa had to build a complete staircase inside the house because it only had a ricketty outside staircase. He tore out walls, updated the electricity, updated the plumbing, and exposed the old fireplaces. We planted trees and totally landscaped the yard. By 1990 the place looked great.

It took a lot of time, energy, and change to renovate the house into something that was not only livable, but also beautiful. And, if you look at it from the standpoint of life, you can definitely say that the house was totally disrupted, because anything short of disruption wouldn’t have done the job. It would have been impossible to slowly “ease” the house into being a great place to live.

So, here is why I realized my life needed disrupted. Like that old house, I had gotten into many unhelpful habits and mindsets. I was negative, angry, judgmental, and working hours at a job that was driving me crazy. I was overpaying for rent, waking up exhausted, and making way less money than I needed to even survive basically. I was also struggling to get any exposure with my business ventures.

I realized that the change I wanted required huge disruption. How in the world could I go from struggling in virtually every area of my life to being where I wanted to be unless I embraced total disruption. It was only my negative ego that assumed that disruption meant something horrible.

The same is likely true of your life. If you want to be an actress, but right now have no training, no gigs, and no money, and you’re working a minimum wage job for 40 hours a week, then it is 100% true that if you want to be a successful actress your life will have to be majorly disrupted. How else can you go from spending 40 hours a week working a crap job to working that same amount of time on a movie or TV show? Your life would look very different.

This is why we mention “positive disruption” a lot. Because if something is off track, getting it back on track will be amazingly and positively disruptive, which is exactly what many people need and want in 2020.