The world seems to be falling apart. Coronavirus, lockdowns, police brutality, protesting, looting, destruction, mental health issues, and not to mention the outrage-machine that is social media fueling constant division often based on half-truths and anxiety.
Every time I see the cycle of outrage and violence (from all sides), I think back to a principle I studied back in 2010 called Non-Violent Communication. What amazed me about this method was that it was simple, effective, and non-partisan.
Put simply, NVC is a way of communicating that fosters empathy, to get your needs met, and to help others get theirs met as well, without resorting to physical or emotional aggression.
It was developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, who successfully used it to reconcile people and groups that absolutely hated each other (at least they thought they did. Obviously I can’t go into major detail about it here, and I suggest you check out some of Rosenberg’s books for more information and examples.
Maybe I’m just naive, but I don’t believe the world needs more anger, hate, violence, and outrage right now (trust me there is PLENTY of those to go around). I believe the world needs more compassion, communication, and understanding, which seem in short supply.
I believe that communicating in the four ways below will be very helpful right now, and any time.
1. Observe, Don’t Judge
“You’re a loser.” “You’re a thug.” “You’re a racist.” Notice that these phrases are judgments. Now, while they may be true to a degree, think about how you respond when you are judged. Do you listen? Do you see the person’s point?
No! When you are judged you get defensive. When you get defensive you defend yourself. The irony of judging someone is that you force them to come up with defenses for their bad behavior. So, by telling someone they are “stupid” for, let’s say drinking and driving, they are just going to defend their actions more, which just reinforces the very thing you want them not to do!
This is why Rosenberg suggests observing instead.
For example “you drank and drive” is an observation. “You’re a stupid drunk” is a judgement.
Below are some examples of observations:
“You came home late.” “You said you would do something, but didn’t follow through.” “The report was due by noon and I didn’t get it.”
Notice how more objective and calm these statements sound. You are just stating the facts rather than judging.
2. Expressing Feelings
The next component is to express your feelings. Many English speakers say “I feel” to mean “I think,” so this can be tricky. This isn’t “I feel like you’re being unfair.” This is “I feel…” followed by an actual feeling.
Sometimes it is hard to get in touch with our emotions, but if you pay attention you can know what you are feeling (or guess what others are feeling). In this way, NVC can be used to make requests (“I feel…”) or to connect with others (“It seems to me you might be feeling…”).
I feel…sad, angry, frustrated, lonely, exhausted, hurt, jealous, etc. In a positive sense, you can feel things like happy, joyful, content, excited, etc. If you are struggling to identify emotions, this is a helpful list.
So, to combine steps 1 and 2, here are some examples:
“I am sad that you chose to drink and drive after telling me you would not do that again.”
“I am frustrated that there are so few jobs and opportunities in this neighborhood”
“I am happy that you decided to visit me today.”
3. Identifying and Requesting Needs
Generally, negative emotions result from a need that isn’t being met. These emotions become more and more intense the more we don’t get the need met. Have you ever tried to push a basketball underwater? It wants to come up! If you push it down extra hard and try to keep it there, eventually it will explosively fly up out of the water. This is what happens when we “push down” emotions associated with needs for too long.
So, just like the basketball that is ready to shoot into the air, if you have pushed down your need for intimacy, connection, freedom, etc, for so long without expressing it in a healthy way, eventually these emotions will develop into such an intensity that will turn into emotional and physical aggression.
So, NVC is about identifying and expressing your needs honestly and empathetically. In many cases, your need (and the need of whomever you are talking to) might just be to be heard. Truthfully, NVC is so effective not because it necessarily allows you to get a need met directly (often it won’t), but mainly because most people, including you, just want to be heard!
Keep in mind that “needs” here don’t mean actual things or items. The “needs” refer to concepts, like support, freedom, love, hope, respect, stability, security, etc. Here is a good list if you need ideas. This can be a challenging part of NVC because we often think of “needs” as physical items (like money) versus the greater conceptual need behind that (like stability, security, and freedom).
So, let’s combine 1, 2, and 3.
“I’m sad because you said you would come to my graduation, and you didn’t, and I really wanted your support.” (Compare to “you’re the shittiest mom on the planet!”)
“Are you frustrated because there are few jobs in this city and you want to feel like you have the same opportunities that others have?” (compare to “you’re a worthless thug”)
“Are you angry because you haven’t had a date in a year and you have a need for a romantic connection?” (Compare this to ” why are you a complete incel?”)
4. Make Or Ask For A Request
After you have expressed your feelings and needs based on factual observation, you can make a request, or attempt to determine what you can do to help meet another’s need.
Keep in mind, this is no guarantee you will get your request or that the other person will agree with what you suspect they would like from you.
Nonetheless, NVC encourages assertive communication, and allows everyone to be heard in a non-violent way, which regardless of the outcome, is what is important.
So below are examples of every step combined. In some cases, simply asking what they need can be helpful. They may say something concrete or just to be heard.
“I’m sad because you said you would come to my graduation, and you didn’t, and I really wanted your support. I would really like it if you be able to come to my graduation party.”
“Are you frustrated because there are few jobs in this city and you want to feel like you have the same opportunities that others have? What do you need from me?
Are you angry because you haven’t had a date in a year and you have a need for a romantic connection? Do you need someone to talk to or want some help meeting someone?
As you read through this article, I really hope you can see how NVC really changes the level of discourse. NVC is not about deflecting or appeasement, but about having real, change-making dialogue.
