Today I was thinking about a concept that I have used with many clients and with myself. It is the concept that “you are what you pay attention to.”
It’s a helpful tool to not only look at your current self, but also understand how you are “showing up” in life. I promise you that what you pay attention to on a regular basis is directly impacting how your life unfolds, far more than any self-professed view of yourself you might have.
It also is the most accurate starting point for any change.
As we get older, it is almost as if we choose to pay attention to things that bring us down, and often the reasoning is “we have no choice.” We have no “choice” but to pay attention to dramatic people, toxic co-workers, bodily aches and pains, all the bad things happening in the news, and so forth.
Ok, yes this is true enough (just “enough”). Some things you have to pay attention to. But the problem comes in the way that we pay attention to these events, and how we direct our attention after they happen.
So, your co-worker is a jerk and you get “that text” from them. You may be enjoying a nice cup of coffee, but you snap into action to reply immediately.
Then, long after it’s over, you are still paying attention to it, venting on social media about it, and to your friends. One text may literally take your attention for the rest of the day! Heck, some people hold grudges from minor events that fill their attention for lifetimes!
Another example is aches and pains. They are real. They happen. But, when the pain has largely subsided and you’re enjoying something else, the second a friend calls, you talk about the aches and pains, maybe to the point where if someone were to observe what you pay attention to, they would say your identity is “a person in pain,” because you pay way more attention to that than your self-professed hobbies or passions.
But, there really are many other things out there to pay attention to, aren’t there?: coffee, sunsets, laughter, friends, family, flirting, great food, good books, hobbies, and much more.
Imagine if instead of venting to your friends about work, you instead “vented” about how amazing that cup of coffee was. Or how beautiful that sunset was. Or how perfect that new hobby is.
I know what the objections will be. That good stuff is minor! You have to dwell in reality, and reality sucks and it’s coming at you all day! Well, ok, but why is an event in the news that doesn’t really directly impact you, a text that you read for 5 seconds, or a dull pain, any more “reality” than the delicious meal in front of you, the friendship you appreciate, or the 5 minutes you spent laughing hysterically earlier at that dog video on youtube?
As you start paying more and more attention to what enlivens you, maybe in a few months, your friends will start to think of you as the friend who is always talking about the newest fun thing you are doing instead of the friend who hates their job. You’ll start to become the person you want to be.
And, my experience is that the more we pay attention to the things that enliven us, this is when changes happen that pull us away from the things that we vent about, which bring us down. You’ll suddenly find they weren’t as “real” as you thought, and your body will become less stressed.
Have a great day! Pay attention to something amazing for me!
